my diary   /ᐠ。ꞈ。ᐟ\ ♡

➜ sun, july 24, 2022 - 05:02 pm ✧

Mood: grateful and motivated <3

What a crazy month this has been! I have not had the inspiration to work on Little Planet because I've been pretty busy being an adult, yaaaaay.... My new job is cool and we have reasonable downtime, but it revolves around quickly solving problems in emergency situations and sometimes we have to work overtime. I've had some 12 hour shifts and even though that means more money at the end of the month, it means less time for spending with family, friends and personal pursuits. Not to mention the extreme fatigue at the end of the week.

Despite all of this, I've been enjoying spending time with my family a lot. My grandparents are visiting us for an extended period of time and it's so nice to connect with them. My grandpa is a wise and intelligent man and I love listening to his stories and life experiences. My grandma has sadly grown quieter and apathetic as the years pass, but I like gently digging and picking her brain until she talks about something that genuinely brings her joy and makes her smile. Sadly, older people are prone to depression, especially if they feel trapped or like nothing is happening in their lives, so I'm trying to help her cheer up as best as I can. Overall, I'm proud of being their granddaughter and I hope they will prolong their stay.

As for me? I have been able to FINALLY focus on drawing by doing so in a tablet that I specifically designated for that purpose. I have no messaging apps, I'm not signed into anything but my art accounts and it has really helped! If you're struggling with getting things done, you might want to try setting aside a special space for it. Especially if you have ADHD and are prone to distractions from external stimuli.

Today I finished two pieces of artwork, including Sentret which I had started over a month ago! I like how it turned out, and with every piece I finish, I learn something new. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with Krita and I recently got Infinite Painter. To celebrate, I am uploading a lot of older artwork too! It's in the Gallery page.

On another topic, I recently started playing a fighting game called Them's Fighting Herds and I'm loving it so much! I've never cared much about that genre and felt frustrated with them because I found them very difficult, but TFH seems to be the exception. Maybe it's because I actually like and care about the characters - they are all herbivore ungulates. And it has a story mode that plays like a 2D top down RPG. I hadn't felt this invested in a game so much since a long time ago, it's nice to reconnect with that side of myself again.

So, my family, work, art, and a cool game to let off some stress (which is plentiful in my job). Those have been the highlights of my life lately. I'm doing my best to balance all of them in the best possible way, and I want to add spending more time with my friends to that mix... Friendships are tricky to navigate because spending TWELVE HOURS ON A MEETING WITH AT LEAST TEN MORE PEOPLE leaves me absolutely drained psychologically and emotionally. I barely have any "social energy" left for interacting with my family who are right here, and after that, I'm spent. I'm an introvert, and recharging in solitude is necessary for me. I wish it didn't have to be this way... I miss spending more time with my friends.

If you came this far, thank you so much for reading. ^_^

➜ thu, june 02, 2022 - 11:45 pm ✧

Mood: drained and anxious /ᐠ–ꞈ–ᐟ\

Some days, I just don't seem to have the energy to socialize, and it can be a difficult uphill battle. Today was one of those days, and while I DID enjoy being around a moderately large group of people including some friends of mine, I had to put much more effort than I usually do, and gather "social energies" out of nowhere. I think I did pretty well considering my life long history of deep social anxiety, but by time I got off work I felt drained and just wanted to cry. Even socializing over text or online is anxiety inducing and feels like too much for me to handle right now. This is not something I can control and I cannot choose the times in which I have this so called "social energy".

I do have to admit that I have gotten a bit better at it because I am giving myself exposure therapy, and I am lucky to be surrounded with a number of really cool people, which helps a TON. My friend even told me that I had "loosened up" a little bit, which honestly was a huge compliment and made me feel very proud for my little social accomplishments! But all in all, I couldn't be happier about the weekend being less than 32hrs away at the time of writing. I really need to hug my cat plush, curl up in my bed, cry a little bit, tell myself it's going to be okay, and just recharge...

Honestly, working on this little website is becoming a refuge for me, which is what I had originally intended anyways. Drawing is also very nice insofar I do not get lost in the little details to the point of mental exhaustion. I'm going to draw some of my nicknamed Pokémon from my current playthrough of Pokémon White 2, such as Vivi the Sentret, Lox the Panpour and others. I mean, I'm enjoying the game so much that I might try to draw actual scenes from it, including backgrounds and objects, not just my Pokémon. Web weaving and drawing things I like, this is what I'm going to do this weekend!! \(T∇T)/

I also wanted to rant a little bit about some "smart" devices. I feel like they aren't smart at all, their implementation is actually dumb and cumbersome. Last year I got a "smart" light bulb because I wanted to change my room's lighting temperature and color depending on the mood or time... and yes, it does what it says in the box. But everything else about it is terrible! It requires an internet connection, a bloated slug fest of a control application and it has no standalone remote option. All of this would be semi-tolerable if it didn't have a tendency to randomly reset itself and thus lose access to the internet, which it absolutely requires to be used like a normal light bulb. With every reset, the light bulb turns up its brightness to the max, starts flashing on and off twice per second, and the only way to make it work like a normal light bulb is to connect it to the Internet again via its cumbersome application THAT REQUIRES AN ACCOUNT. This was not mentioned in the box. So without internet, this thing is useless, and I'm actually concerned about its potential damaging effects on people that suffer from photo-sensitivity. Plus, the more I learn about "smart" devices, the more I am convinced that they all collect behavior data, whether built into the actual device or into the application.

I profoundly regret getting this light bulb and I am not buying one of these "smart" lighting systems again. The increased price does not result in a more functional item, in fact it's the opposite. Let's hope that they don't ever stop making traditional devices.

Why is it not Friday night yet.

➜ tue, may 31, 2022 - 11:33 pm ✧

Mood: Irritated maybe? I don't even know. No cute kaomoji this time.

I have decided to start a little self challenge: draw a Pokémon (or anything, really) and finish it, every 2 days! I recently drew a Skitty (which I'll soon post here ^-^) and it was such an enjoyable experience! I need more of this in my life lol. It will also help me grow as an artist and develop important skills that one can only develop with practice. I think I'm going to start with Pokemon that have simple shapes, as I don't feel comfortable drawing complex ones like Genesect or Deoxys-S. I'm sure I'll post most of them here to chronicle my art journey!

On another topic and to follow the trend of serious entries, I recently watched an excellent documentary by Planeta Juan called This is the World's Most Toxic Beach. English subtitles should be available with YouTube's auto-translate feature. This documentary exposes the dire situation of Mauritania's ship graveyard. You typically have to follow a long, convoluted legal process in most countries if you want to leave a ship to decay in its territory. And it's expensive to repair or dismantle old ships. Now, Mauritania is unfortunately suffering from extreme poverty, and corrupt corporations have found a way to exploit this - by bribing poor Mauritanians in positions of power, they get to skip the regulations enacted for abandoning ships in its bay. As a result, Nouadhibou, the country's second largest city has a polluted bay, filled with so many decaying ships that you couldn't count them with your fingers and toes (unless you count in binary, that is).

Nouadhibou has also become a paradise for fish meal factories. All sorts of toxic chemicals are liberated into the air and water 24/7, and the area has been inundated with the smell of rotten fish. Humans and animals alike are getting sick, and the poverty is so deep that citizens are forced to fish there and feed their families with undoubtedly poisonous meat. It's a depressing sight, it left a deep impression in me. The system is rotten to the core, and it's rotting our only home.

I was speechless after I watched it. Truly, our planet is being murdered by the very same groups that peddle prosperity and goods to us, the people. It made me reflect about how complacent and apathetic we can become once we find ourselves in a relatively comfortable spot. We need to take action, speak out and... I don't know what else. I'm still trying to process what I watched. Even though I do not live in Mauritania, the fact is that every time I go outside, I can see, smell and taste the pollution. I can see the same patterns - corrupt, powerful companies that have nothing to lose except capital, ravaging our planet, our trees, the air we breathe, our only home. It's interesting that my country often wins "green awards", and yet I can see our gargantuan environmental footprint everywhere. I can't even begin to imagine what a non "green" place might be like.

Reading my previous blog entry further cemented my awareness of being in a turning point in my life. Not only am I getting ready to truly start living in my own terms, but I have also found myself re-evaluating almost everything in my life. Our economic system. Our society. Our customs. Our beliefs. The information we are fed every day through corrupt propaganda. Mentally challenging everything is equally exciting AND terrifying, and it's going to be one heck of a journey.

My thoughts are still jumbled and I am trying to find solid footing, but one thing I am sure of: I want to start recycling and planting trees. I know that 71% of pollution is generated by big corpos, and my efforts might be tiny like a snowflake. But snowflakes can eventually form snowballs, and snowballs can eventually turn into avalanches, and that's exactly what I hope to accomplish long term. How? I don't even know, but I need to start *somewhere*. Clearly I'm not alone in this sentiment, and maybe all it takes is finding like minded people to create this social and environmental avalanche that we desperately need.

Gosh, I have so much to think about.

➜ sat, may 28, 2022 - 04:48 pm ✧

Mood: determined!! ✧* (◠ ᴗ ◕) *✧

This is a very personal and serious entry. I'm at a serious turning point in my life... See, I have always repressed my identity in so many ways. Everything I am has always been hidden because aside from being insecure and afraid, I come from a fundamentalist religious background that taught me that people like me are shameful sinners who will burn in a lake of fire when judgment is cast upon humanity. Going against this in a traditional family has led to horrible tensions and fights, particularly with family members that are closer to me and thus might feel entitled to tell me their opinions. For example, being vocal about the happiness I felt when equal marriage was legalized where I live, resulted in fights, crying and guilt-tripping. Listening to Tricot (my favorite math rock band) or to the talented R. Stevie Moore's rock music has earned me a sermon and being told that I am worshipping the work of Satan. Whatever.

I cannot keep this up for long. I want to own my life and live it on my own terms. I desperately want to be able to express my fashion tastes, my music tastes (which include "satanic" music like math rock), my sexuality, my dreams for the future, my political opinions... Thankfully I do have outlets - my closest friends know a more authentic version of me. But obviously my family only knows a repressed version of the person I am. A 'good girl' measured by religious standards. I'd be lying if I said that I am not repressing myself to a certain extent even with friends. It all starts at home, folks. Religious trauma is real.

I'm tired of always presenting myself "in accordance to the lord". I don't wear jewelry because it is prohibited in my family's religion, and I'm not exactly dying to wear it, but I'd at least like to be ABLE to do it. Or how about wearing something as innocuous as shiny black nail polish or edgier makeup? Maybe in noticeable colors instead of the same 'delicate modest feminine pink pastels'? I want to be able to step outside of the box without being told that I am bringing shame to my family and to the lord for presenting myself like a harlot of Babylon!

And you know... I really want to get a piercing. Ever since high school I envied those scene/emo girls with their cool piercings. That wouldn't fly in my house, let alone when I was just a teenager with no income, so I didn't even pursue the idea back then nor bring it up to my family. But this is 2022, I'm an adult now, and honestly #YOLO, so I think I'm gonna get my septum pierced before, or for my 29th birthday!

I realize that these things might seem small to others, but to someone raised in a very conservative household, these are huge steps and it shows that I am starting to heal from my religious trauma. I am proud of myself! A good friend told me recently: "¡Empodérate, amiga! Tienes que creértela, porque nadie más lo puede hacer por tí".

I took that advice to heart, and these days I have started to feel more confident. I like myself more than I ever have and I am certain that I can really do this. You know, I'm actually a pretty cool girl. I'm also a good friend. I have a bubbly personality, enjoy helping others and love teaching new things. I also like being a little weird and owning it. I am good with computers, I have a creative side and I love contrasts and balances. This is who I am.

So yeah! It's time to bloom and stop living a repressed life. It might bug my traditional family, especially my mother. But if I keep putting up this ~conservative~ facade I will never be truly happy and I'll regret it in my death bed, so...

I guess it's time to rebel a little. ƪ(✖‿✖)ʃ

PS: I am a lesbian!

➜ tue, may 24, 2022 - 09:00 pm ✧

Mood: grateful.

Well, it's been a while since I last updated my website. Most of my time has been spent studying and adulting. Because I'm learning web development, I realize I should update little planet more often to put new subjects into practice, especially the dreaded flexbox, but my ADHD turns this 'practice' into full blown procrastination sessions. I wish I had better executive functions, but... this is just how I am, I guess.

So now I am learning Javascript. Because I already know the basics of Python, this is going fairly well, and the Odin Project has been such an amazing resource. I also like Fireship's YouTube videos because of his hectic, super condensed teaching style - they truly are a great way for me to learn new concepts. Slower paced videos allow my mind to wander too much and then I have problems -_-.
One of the most encouraging things I have learned about programming is that it's not so much about remembering the syntax. I used to struggle with that a bit, but ironically, now that I am aware that my programming skills will not be measured by my ability to remember if I should use a curly brace here and there, I can actually remember syntax more easily! It's as if removing the pressure of being good at something allows my brain to utilize those resources to actually learn AND improve. It's so nice when my brain cooperates :)

Sooo the opportunity I mentioned in previous entries finally materialized and now I have a new job! It's much closer to the kind of tech-oriented career I am aiming for and my new boss is amazing (though I'd never call her boss, she doesn't like it and she is my friend so I call her cute nicknames instead hehe). In an ideal world, I'd have this job AND my own web development business, but only time will tell if it's feasible and financially reasonable. Stability is crucial in this circus of a planet.

➜ sat, april 09, 2022 - 05:19 pm ✧

Mood: very grateful!!  ❣^ᴗ^❣

Yesterday was a great day and I'm flowing with gratitude! For one, the opportunity that I was waiting for was confirmed today. Receiving good news was a fantastic ending to an otherwise awful week. I can finally sleep peacefully...

Also, last night I sat down and talked with my bff for hours! She is very creative and always has story ideas, so we brainstormed together and let our imaginations run wild - just like we did when we first met 9 years ago as teenagers. She's that kind of friend to whom you just seem to have a brain connection to! It's as if we can finish each other's sentences and thoughts, and every time we talk, the flow of ideas is sooo magical, it just feels right. ✨

We also talked about the yesterweb movement, personal websites, and I I told her about my very own little planet 😊; she was very supportive and encouraged me! I feel grateful and blessed for being friends with such a wonderful soul.

Speaking of web development, I will resume my studies today and I'm excited to learn new things as because I would like to switch careers in the future. I'm doing the Odin Project and have ve found it to be a fantastic resource for learning.

I'd like to close this entry on a warm note: today, after a hectic week eating mostly sandwiches, cereal, fast food, I had a homemade lunch with my family and it was a heavenly feeling. I wish every day could be as peaceful as today. ( ᵕ̩̩﹏ᵕ̩̩ )

➜ thu, april 07, 2022 - 01:46 am ✧

Mood: very impatient, a bit indecisive  /ᐠಠ ‸ ಠᐟ\ノ

Today was an OK day. There's something that I'm waiting for and I got a glimpse of it today. If it actually materializes, my quality of life could get better long term. Alas, I have to wait until later today to get the news officially...

On a different note, I am reconsidering this website's name. Every option I've thought of seems appropriate for different reasons. I'm sorry if the URL changes around as I get a feeling for where exactly I want to take it.

I'm happy to say that my webdev studies are coming along nicely!~ I'm still getting the hang of things like margins, paddings and when to use them, but I'll get there through practice and "debugging" my own site when the layout is broken lol.

Seeing other people's Neocities pages fills me with joy and motivation to continue, they are a work of art!  (ฅ^・ω・^ ฅ)

➜ tue, april 05, 2022 - 02:19 am ✧

Mood: mostly tired, crying. 😿💔

I created this website last year but didn't do much with it. I have decided to take it up again and possibly rename it, but that remains TBD. There are important, personal reasons motivating me:

I need an outlet to express myself genuinely.
My art, thoughts, tastes, etcetera, are constantly flowing through my head, and I want to feel the freedom of posting them without turning them into food for corporate algorithms. Having my own website is the best solution.

This is a much needed pastime.
There are many things going on in my life and some of them are really damaging to me. I am very hurt. Having the opportunity of creating something so personal, while also learning useful skills is cathartic and therapeutic.

So, the main purpose of this website is to be a cozy refuge for me, filled with the things that bring me peace, joy and excitement.
Even if it sounds dramatic, I want this website to serve as a reminder of who I am for the times in which the mental fog makes me forget.

Honestly, I feel heartbroken and tired atm, but I am holding on and I am trying my best.

I am hopeful that things are going to get much better for me. After all, after hitting rock bottom, you can only go up, right?